To a Lost Friend
Memories of you still run through my mind at times.
I wonder if you know how much you meant to me or if you think about our former friendship.
I am writing this because I was in a sad, homesick state where I thought about everything that has gone wrong in my life and everything that makes me sad about my future, present, and past, in that order. One of those moments where you just have to let the sadness wash over you to breathe and be happy and grateful again. I think we have shared a few of them before.
Anyway, I found a picture of us in my folder of memories that I brought to college for when I find myself in one of these moments of deep sadness. I decided it was finally time for me to reflect on our past together.
You were one of those people who endlessly inspired my character and made me reflect on my faith and meaning in the world. I am sorry to have lost you.
But, we all make mistakes. Tirelessly. Endlessly. Whether we put much thought into them or not. We always must learn to forgive ourselves and others for them. We must learn to fail. Or else we would never grow.
I want to remember the good parts of you. And I don’t mind remembering the bad, now. But I want to remember the way I felt about you before our bond was severed.
I still think you are a phenom. You were one of my best friends, too. And I thought I was one of yours, but I am not quite sure how true those words were now. Because if I meant that much to you, wouldn’t you have at least tried to apologize or explain things to me?
I understand shame gets in the way. And pride. Everyone heals differently and needs their time alone. Take all the time you need.
I miss your smile and our car ride chats. I miss your laugh, morals, passion for music and faith and life, and want to spread happiness. I am glad to see you have forgiven yourself and I hope you really have. A burden is never big enough to carry forever. Maybe we will get in contact in the future.
It took a while to write this, and I think I have reflected enough. I love the person you were. I don’t know who you are now. And I’m not sure if I ever will.
Maybe one day I will find out.
* * *
I am not sure what the point of this letter is. Just questions, I guess. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a call of action for you. College has led me to a lot of self-reflection about previous relationships and the importance every friendship truly has in my life. Ours was one I was looking forward to keeping. Being independent makes me question my mission in the world and I think our purpose here is to make a difference in other peoples’ lives.
I wish we were there for each other our first semester of college and I am sorry things ended the way they did. That is my only regret. That in the biggest transition of our lives so far, we could not be there for each other. After 4 years of relying on and being there for and pouring out our emotions to and working through problems with each other, we never followed through. It makes me wonder why God placed you in my life. I fly home in two weeks, but unfortunately I cannot look forward to seeing you and catching up.
I am sure you have inspired many and made countless friends in college already. I wish the best for you. I don’t want this letter to make you feel bad or sad or mad at yourself or the world or me or anyone. I forgive you, assuming you are sorry.
Everything is through God’s eyes. No one else’s opinion matters. Remember that. It has been hard for me to stay close to God and invest myself in my faith in college and I remember you as being someone who always helped me do that. My faith buddy.
I hope you are doing well and thriving at school.